Constant reminders

Being in the wedding industry doesn’t help me get over my marriage ending. Every day, I talk with brides and help them plan their wedding and every day, I think about my situation. It’s their happy time and my sad time.

I watched a really great documentary on HBO called 112 weddings. I would highly suggest it! It was shot and narrated by a documentary wedding videographer, who went back and interviewed couples, that he had shot weddings for, to see where they are today.

It was very interesting. Some were still together, some weren’t. Some talked about the struggles of marriage and daily life. One of the husbands of one of the couple said something I will always remember….

“People say I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. What they should ask is, can I spend the next 60 years with this person?”

Marriage is a commitment or it should be at least. It is work, no matter what anyone says. Some people take it so lightly. Divorce is the easy fix if it doesn’t work out.

I am also in our house, which is a constant reminder. I really wanted to move but unfortunately, I can not afford to move. I may have to be here for a while. Once it’s in my name only, then I need to make some changes to “make it my own”. A coworker suggested I get all new bed and bath linens, which I did last year. But I think I need to make some bigger changes, just not sure what yet. I don’t have much $ to do anything huge.

Another reminder is when I watch wedding videos or look at pictures or go to a wedding. This always brings me back to what once was and what isn’t now. When is that going to stop?

I have now been alone for 14 months. I am better then I was emotionally but once in a while, I do have an episode. I know that this is normal an that it will take a long time to get over. I just want to live my life to the fullest because life is short. But I am not good alone. I have gone on some dates but nothing too serious. Who knows when the right time is, everyone is different.

Thank god for family a friends who have been there for me during this really shitty time. And blogging has also helped get it out of my head. In a little over 4 months, I will be 50. I don’t want to be alone/single for that….just saying it makes me cry.  Why is that? I want to be with someone special to share these big moments in my life. Being with 1 person for 25 years meant something to me. I will probably never have that again and that makes me really sad.  I need more tissues.