I never thought I would be here but here I am. I was blindsided. After 22 years of marriage, 25 together, he left me for a girlfriend he dated 29 years ago.
Here’s how it went down….
All was good in my mind, as far as our marriage and relationship were concerned. Every couple has their issues but in general, we were doing ok, at least that is what I thought.
A little history on us…We were living a comfortable life, both working full time jobs, had a house that we fully upgraded, acquired 2 great dogs and a cat, gone on some great vacations and were planning to move to Florida very soon to get away from this cold weather! We even went to FL and saw properties, and were preparing our house to sell. Everything was starting to happen! A new life and a long awaited, big change was so close.
A little history on him…he had a lot of medical issues, due to having a very physical job for 30+ years. He was in and out of the hospital for the last 10 years for different surgeries and then some other complications. He turned 50 and was forced to retire from a 32 year career that he loved. A lot for any person to deal with.
Of course, like any good wife, I was by his side for everything. Many hours and days visiting him in the hospital. Many lonely nights at home while he was in the hospital. One hospital stay was a month long because he almost died during one of his surgeries. Talk about scary! Many days and nights taking care of him when he came home from the hospital, picking up meds, driving him to rehab and doctors appointments. The life of a caretaker isn’t an easy one.
I actually said to myself that this was going to be my life and I was ready for it. 2014 would prove me wrong.
He was in the hospital in Jan of 2014 for another surgery and he told me that ” an old girlfriend from many years ago had found him on Facebook”. He told me all about her. I didn’t think much of it since I had talked to some people from my past, caught up with them and never talked to them again since I was married.
He was in the hospital again in April 2014 and told me that she called him on the phone. Obviously, they never stopped talking for the past 4 months. I told him that I didn’t feel that was appropriate and that I didn’t feel comfortable with that. He sorta brushed me off.
4/16/14. He came home from the hospital.
4/20/14 I noticed that his cell phone was practically a permanent fixture on his body, he never left it out of his site. I thought that was odd. So I went to our shared computer, went to his Facebook page and looked at his inbox chats and there it was…he was talking with her there about how his life was a “slice of hell”.
I was floored and shocked. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle this. I confronted him. He said he wasn’t happy and hasn’t been happy for a long time. He loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore, he was in love with her and she felt the same way and that he wanted a divorce.
I was so angry. How could this be happening? How could this be happening to me? What am I am going to do? I didn’t cry, I was just so angry.
That night he slept in the spare room of course. But that didn’t last, the roller coaster had just left the station….
4/21/14 He had 2 doctor appointments, which I was supposed to take him to because he wasn’t supposed to drive yet. He already made arrangements for someone to take him, unbeknownst to me. He apparently set this up and didn’t tell me. So he left in the am, for his first appointment and came back and went to sleep. Being the caring wife that I was, even after everything that happened the night before, I realized that he was going to miss his 2nd appointment, so I woke him up. He went to that appointment and came home hysterically crying. I have never seen him this upset before. He said he was sorry for everything and that he never wanted to hurt me and that he wanted to work it out with me. I asked to block her from his phone and Facebook and he said that he did. I suggested therapy and he agreed. He came back to the master bedroom.
4/30/14 We went to 1 counseling session together. He told the therapist that he has not been happy for the past 15 years and that he has been talking to the other woman still. Really??? He never told me. Even the therapist said”you are going to leave a 22 year marriage for a woman you haven’t seen for 29 years?” He said “yes”.
As we were leaving the therapist’s office and walking to the elevator, he said to me” you should move out”. Completely shocked, I said ” No, you should move out, I did nothing wrong”. That night, he moved back into the spare room again.
I forgot to mention that he also takes antidepressants, has been for years.
Around 5/1/14 He said he wanted to go to therapy again and try and work it out with me..crying again that day, saying he didn’t know what he was doing and why he was doing it. I again asked him to block her so we could work on things together with out any outside influences. I also suggested that he see a professional, maybe his meds need to be adjusted, he should talk with someone about all of his feelings about being forced to retire, all the pain that he has been in. He called a place and made an appointment. He moved back into the master bedroom.
5/6/14 He went for an evaluation and they scheduled him to see someone in a week. I thought it would be a psychiatrist but it ended up being a psychiatric nurse.
5/13/14 He went to the see the psychiatric nurse and came back saying that nothing is wrong, his meds were fine and he was just unhappy and he was moving out. TO FLORIDA where she is. He moved back into the spare room again.
For a guy who was still recuperating from his health issues, I never saw someone move so fast. He packed all day and rested at night. He talked to her at night, which I could hear through our thin walls and doors. It killed me and made me sick to listen but I just had to listen. They talked about getting engaged as soon as possible. So gross.
5/17/14 He left and drove to FL.
In 27 days, my life as I knew it was gone. What do I do now? I haven’t been alone in 25 years. I didn’t mind it in my 20’s but I don’t like it in my 40’s. I have the house, all the bills, the dogs and all the responsibility that goes along with them. He just walked away from this life and started a new one. So selfish, irrational and disrespectful.
Luckily, I am a very organized and prepared person. For the next 3 weeks, I made some changes an got all of my financial ducks in a row by lowering as many of my bills that I could. I had to be able to afford to stay in the house for now. Even though being there constantly reminded me of him, I could not just leave. Once that was done, I crashed. My emotions were all over the place; shock, anger, sadness.
5/21/14 I filed for divorce.
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12 thoughts on “The Back Story”
I think it is a great idea to use writing as an outlet for your emotions. You have surely been on an emotional roller coaster. He sounds as though he is bipolar, and I do not say that lightly. Manic, rash decisions, then depression, and back to the mania once again. You are a very strong woman, and I know you will come out of this much better off!
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Thank you Lisa. I appreciate your support.
You are welcome
Divorce is never easy, more so when you get blind sided by it after being as nurturing and forgiving of probably more hurtful “outbursts” than just the one that led to your divorce. Being cheated on, even emotionally, is a difficult thing to go through. No matter how clear headed you were with all of this, I’m glad you’re finding some solace in writing about it. It’s not always the easiest thing to do, but it can be incredibly therapeutic.
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Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it.
Holy cow. I can semi relate but not completely. You guys were together a lot longer. But he did leave me for someone else.. a coworker.. a fit spring chicken. I found out about her at 16 weeks pregnant.. i should have gotten out then because he couldn’t choose us then. That would never change. We’re divorced and he’s in a relationship with his friend. You’re very inspiring to be able to get everything together so quickly and gain control of the situation. I’m truly sorry for your awful ex.. but hey.. you can do whatever you want now.
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Thank you. It hasn’t been but I am working through it.
That’s all that matters! You didn’t give up
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Saw this kind of thing happen in my own community. A well-respected man went to a high school or college reunion and reconnected with an old flame. He divorced his wife of nearly 40 years and married old girlfriend. Shocked our local community.
So glad you are working through all the pain. We know you’ll come out stronger in the end.
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Thank you so much. Facebook has really caused the divorce rates to climb. So sad but I am a survivor.
Your story is my story. I was married for 31 years and my husband sought out his girlfriend from 40 years ago on f/b. They carried on a phone relationship for a few months before meeting. After I found out, my roller coaster started – back and forth – until finally on Christmas Day 2018 he went to live at his sister’s and now he has moved across the country to be with her. Very little contact with his grown daughters and none with any old friends. We are not divorced yet because he is too lazy to provide his financials to my lawyer. I have no contact with him except through lawyers. I will be glad when it is over. I am happy for you that you are starting your new journey!
Well, so sorry you’re going through this. But yes practically the exact same story. I truly wish you the best and if you ever want to talk, I am here.